After three years of growing Lemon Tree in the evenings and on weekends, I still can't quite wrap my mind around only focusing on one job instead of two. I have so many dreams and fears - I don't even know whether to be excited or scared out of my mind.
With the baby coming in a little under six months, several factors (Logan's new salary, Lemon Tree's massive growth last year, etc.) helped us come to this decision. Our plan has always been for me to be a work-at-home mom with Lemon Tree providing extra support for our family while Logan's salary paid most of the bills. But despite the plan, I still can't believe it. Every day that I'm at Lipscomb I just want to dig my heels down into the carpet and dare anyone to make me leave. I love it so much - I can't imagine not seeing my coworkers everyday, but I also know this will be the best for our family in the long run.
In making this huge decision (and telling my boss and office), I have realized that I have an incredible amount of fear in going into this next chapter. During last year's Lemon Tree growth spurt I started to get the hunch that maybe God was pushing me to something. Maybe He was helping my little business thrive so that, if nothing else by necessity, I could quit my job and pursue my passion full time. I kept burying that feeling, but inevitably it would rise back up again in the strangest of moments and during late night shipping sessions. I just kept telling myself that it wasn't time yet and I'd know when it was (even though, in my heart, I knew it already was time).
Of course after I got pregnant the conversation came up more and more, and I just kept telling Logan that I'd hold out until August when the baby was born and then I could transition all at once. I used insurance as an excuse, and then my relationships in the office, but deep down in my soul I knew it should be sooner. I'd been feeling the need to do this for months now and I just kept pushing it off. It was (is) too scary!
In a moment of honesty with myself and in front of God, I prayed one evening that He would make His desires mine. That I would know the right timing for this major life change, and that I would feel 100% confident about it - despite my fear. Within the week, May 1 kept popping into my head as the date. I mentioned it to Logan, and sat on it for a few weeks until I couldn't see any other date that made sense for us. 100% confidence. I felt so confident of it, in fact, that I told my bosses the next day - something I was dreading doing for months and yet it was such a great experience. God is so good.
So now that I have a date, I am terrified of moving forward. What am I going to do for three and a half months before the baby comes? What if I get stir crazy and hate being home all day? What if I can't find a routine and become an old hag with a failing business? Am I going to be in sweatpants all day and never shower? What if Logan isn't attracted to me anymore? How will those around me perceive me? Will people think I'm selfish for making this decision? What on earth am I going to do with free time? Not to mention... What if I'm a terrible mother? What if I hate staying home and blame the baby? How am I going to feel in six months? Will I regret this decision? Will we be able to make ends meet?
The list goes on.
But I know that if it doesn't scare you, it isn't worth doing. And the best decisions I've made in my life were the ones that I was most afraid of making. I feel so confident that God is ushering me into a new and beautiful season of life, but also so terrified of what that will mean for me personally and professionally. I am so thankful that I even have the option to be a work at home mom, and I'm leaning into that.
So here I go. Holding my breath, closing my eyes, and taking the leap.