Meeting Myself

[I feel the need to apologize when I haven't written in awhile, and then I feel silly because this is MY blog and I can do whatever the heck I want... So. I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry.] The lesson at church today reached down deep into my gut, grabbed something, and ripped it out so I could look at it and realize how ugly I was becoming. Thank you for that, Dave.

We're going through the Old Testament and we talked about Judges today and the cycle of the Israelites. First, they start taking God's commandments as mere suggestions, then they start worshipping false gods because they stray from the truth, then they become oppressed by their gods, and finally God sends a rescuer to lead them back to home.

Oh, how deeply this hit my heart.

Dave said his mentor once told him that you can identify gods in your life by examining what you run to when you feel lonely or upset or out of control. You can find them by looking at what you do when you don't have the energy to do anything - and what makes you come alive in those moments.

Like. A. Ton. Of. Bricks.

I have house fever, in case you didn't know. I've really tamed it and come a long way in the past year - from an impatient urgency to a quiet, growing excitement, but despite the location on the spectrum it's just plain old house fever. And lately I just obsess over the money we're saving and how much Lemon Tree is making me and are we meeting our goals and how much more can we save and do we really have to spend money on that because we could instead put it in savings... and when Dave said that this tiny, timid voice for a split second wanted to say "No.. a house is different." but before the thought could even form my heart knew the truth.

And when I can't do anything about getting a house - when our savings goals are met and I don't have more Lemon Tree money to allocate and our budget is caught up - instead I obsess over nesting and fixing up our little apartment. And it's just the same.

So, I was convicted, and I am convicted, and I am deleting the Zillow app off my phone and I will limit the time I spend on our banking and budget.

But it goes on.

We learned about the cycles of the people in Judges and how their children were impacted by their parents' lack of faithfulness. One generation would begin to fall away, and the next would 'divorce' God altogether. The thought of divorcing our very creator is disturbing and frightening to me - and to think that if I don't take my relationship with Christ seriously, I could indirectly CAUSE my child to DIVORCE their creator is terrifying! And humbling. And altogether motivating.

--- Enter, title.

So we got home from church and I've done the things I need to do today and I've been aching to sit and read my Bible and pray, because I do want to take God seriously and I know we will probably have children in the next few years and I don't want to wait to take Him seriously.. And I decided to go revisit my old blog from college, which I merged with my old blog from high school (yes, I blogged in high school.. I was a dork).

I can't even begin to express the way God has used those old words to stir my heart. It was like He knew I was feeling empty and amateur and I read words I wrote in high school and especially college - and I was so filled with peace. I have a long way to go, I always have, in my relationship with Christ, but seeing my heart through my words during years that I look back on and feel that I wasted was so reassuring. I'm not completely lost. I have grown, and I was growing then - and I don't know why I so easily forget where I've been, but sometimes I just feel like I haven't moved in decades.

So I pledge to take my relationship with Christ more seriously. And I am thankful for His affirmation in showing me that I have grown, although I have a lot more growing to do.

And hopefully I can break the cycle of the Israelites as it appears in my life - and I can show my someday children what a mighty, awesome, and loving God we serve.